Day 19: The New Year
Yesterday was another day, same as everyday to me. New year's eve stopped being a "special" deal to me as of about five or six years ago. I just never liked going out to bars to celebrate, just didn't mean much to me. However, watching the festivities on TV last night brought up a strange feeling, like I'm missing all the fun. Watching the people with their drinks in hand, smiling and having and all around drunken good time made me wish I was there having fun. The next thought was the realization that I will never be in that situation again and I felt a little knot in my gut that was slight panic. Then were the thoughts that I will be sober the rest of my life and drinking will never be a part of it anymore. I felt slightly depressed while remembering the "good" times I had while out with friends drinking, knowing that those situations will never happen again. As I continued watching the people having a good time, I started thinking about how the next morning will be for them. How many of those people will drive home drunk, risking their lives and others on the road? How many of those people will wake up this morning/afternoon with a bad hangover and immediately wonder what happened, or regret their decisions from last night? How many of those people made a decision last night during their drunken stupor that will drastically change the rest of their lives? I thought about all the "good" times I had and realized that there were very few when it involved alcohol. Most of those times ended with a huge hangover, remembering the stupid things I did, getting depressed, and then drinking all day to "get rid" of those memories. After going through this thought process the feelings of panic and sadness went away instantly. I don't want that life anymore, I will not have that life anymore. I will stay strong. My relationship with alcohol has ended and it will be that way for as long as I live. Focusing on the good times I can and will have sober is my motivation. Being able to remember those good times with my family is what matters. Living life to the fullest and not wasting away in a drunken or hungover state is what I yearn for.
It's day 19 for me and I feel pretty good about everything. There are times that I feel that I want a drink, but I think back to all the negatives that are involved and immediate find that it is not worth it whatsoever. SR has also been a huge inspiration and support for me so far in the short time I've been sober. Thank you everyone for your support thus far.