Hold up!
I sometimes think I get too confident when it comes to sobriety. This morning I had some ****** things happen that made me really angry. They are things that I can't control. Anger and stress are huge triggers for me. They make me want to drink. You know when you're so frustrated and pissed off you just want to cry? Scream? Instead I sat in my car and did deep breathing for almost 15 minutes.
I calmed down a bit but I still wanted to drink. Like now. Immediately go to the liquor store and buy some good champagne (it is New Year's after all), and like five bottles of wine. Just to make sure I'm stocked up. I fantasized the whole way home.
Tonight I have plans to go to a New Year's celebration at the Buddhist center I belong to. I have made food for the potluck and have been looking forward to spending my evening in a positive, peaceful environment. I want to set my intention for the upcoming year to be the best person I can be for myself and those around me.
Then this horrible thinking hits me like a ton of bricks. "f-it, it's New Years. Enjoy yourself. Numb out. You deserve it." I've been pretty deep into this recovery thing long before I joined SR. I know the drill. I know what to do to help myself.
So when I got home I threw myself into making deviled eggs for tonight's party. There's gonna be a large crew so the more food the better, right? For some reason cooking really does help calm me and allows me to focus my attention elsewhere. I feel better. I wish I could say 100% better but I'm at about 70%, which isn't bad considering the fact that I almost completely lost my resolve this morning.
Stay vigilant. No matter how long you've been in recovery triggers and cravings happen. Think it through. Like the worst case scenario of what could happen if you drink and how you will feel tomorrow. Sometimes that's the only thing that stops me. My dogs too. They need someone to care for them, not a passed out pathetic drunk that probably wouldn't even make it till midnight anyway.
I am so sorry if this post is too negative or triggering for anyone. I just had to get it out. Thank you for listening if you've made it this far. I will not drink today. That is not the kind of life I wish to live. Sometimes it is a struggle but I know I will wake up tomorrow so grateful that I stayed strong.
I love you all and wish you a New Year filled with peace, love and joy.
xoxoxo