How do I calm the anxiety?
I have been trying to end a relationship with my AH. For a year.
I really thought that having a conversation that included the words, "I'm leaving" would just be it (hey, I was a year younger and naive!). At first my AH was contrite, sweet, apologetic - and I thought I was maybe being unreasonable, so I agreed to give it another shot.
And then he stopped drinking - but just became a dry drunk. And then things went downhill. And then he started drinking again, which has now morphed into him drinking heavily and not even trying to hide it, and absolutely refusing to get treatment.
Basically, we are now at the point where I feel like I am doing nothing, and he keeps saying how I'm so awful for just wanting to throw away many years of marriage, that my standards are too high and he can't ever make me happy no matter what he does, etc. We have kids, and he keeps pointing out all the ways I've failed them or been a terrible role model. (I'll admit I'm far from perfect (who is?) and I've made some choices I wish I hadn't.)
I feel like his verbal diarrhea is out of control most days. He's lashing out because he knows where this is heading, which just makes me feel like he's putting another nail in the relationship coffin. I know he's just angry, and he's out to hurt in any way he can.
But when I'm right in the middle of a round of verbal onslaught, I shut down. Like, completely. For some reason, my brain just absorbs whatever he says, and I think to myself, "Hey, maybe he's right. Maybe I actually am a crappy role model who isn't giving him a fair chance. Maybe he doesn't actually need treatment, and I'm just overreacting. Maybe that intervention his family and I staged really was unfair and horrible and I should apologize. Maybe I do need to stop talking to his deeply concerned family, because he said so."
So I'm feeling VERY anxious about trying to have a final conversation about this with him, which I feel like I owe him (I don't know why). I'm going to wait until after the holiday, which gives me a couple days to "prepare" and let my stomach tie itself into knots. But I'm afraid he's going to talk me out of what I know the right thing to do is, afraid that maybe I'm really not right about the right thing to do.
I'm sure others have dealt with this - so how do I calm the voices in my head and stay strong?