mns1

I should have come to SR, but I let alcohol seduce me instead.

I've been under a lot of stress lately (mainly by my own doing) and I hit my limit on Christmas Eve. I'm trying to start a business and I've been investing enormous amounts of time and money into it over the last year. This was one of the reasons I initially joined SR a couple months ago. I believed, and still believe, that the stress of this endeavor is contributing to some of the deeper feelings that have driven me to drinking. I spend countless hours reading books and trying to learn as much as I can, I haven't allowed myself time for anything else, including coming on here for a few moments each day, which is something I told myself I would do. But of course I let work consume my every thought and action. I dedicate so much of each day to it that it has literally exhausted me mentally and physically. I think I am just now beginning to understand the term "drained".

Anyway, because of all the money I've been putting into work, I wasn't able to afford Christmas presents. This had been bothering me for a while. I guess I was feeling guilty. Then, on Christmas eve, it came time to exchange gifts with my family. I received a bunch of great things, but had nothing to give in return. Finally, the guilt got the best of me. I retreated to my room to be alone. I did not want to be around my family. I felt horrible. My dad came up to my room several moments later to tell me not to worry about it. He also told me that he's been putting money away to send me back to school to finish my psychology degree. Once he said that, I couldn't hide my emotions anymore. I'm not a guy who cries very often, but man I just broke down and started sobbing. After a long talk with my dad in which he told me to slow down and not worry about things so much, I felt better in a way, but still felt wrong too. Later in the night, I started drinking...

And so has been the case the last four nights. I never thought I would reach this point in my life. I feel like the only thing that doesn't make this rock bottom is my parents roof over my head. I'm single, broke, I have a chronic illness for which managing it is itself a full-time job. But I feel like I should feel better. My dad basically just gave me a new lease on life! And I am excited to go back to college, something I've missed the past several years. But I still just feel empty for some reason. Maybe I am just overblowing it and worrying too much. But one thing is certain, letting myself lose touch with the importance of staying away from alcohol isn't helping.