Ok, i first saw this thread hours ago and though i felt like posting i didn't because i'm suspecting that i might be alienating myself as usual. So i didn't.
It kept bothering me throughout the day thinking about it and so here it is...
My life may have been crap and i was depressed and all that but at least the alcohol served a purpose. It helped tamp down on the worst of those emotional horrors that would come to the surface every once in a while and torment me. Sure i would be down in the pits more often than not, but at least i had a way to numb myself to a certain extent.
Now what?
I did pretty good fooling myself for most of this year. Even when i was working in the summer i managed to trick myself into not acknowledging the feelings of regret, dismay, disgust, despair, etc, You name it. From mid November until now has been a new low. Maybe had four-five days or so where i felt really good but that's it. You know when i went for that checkup i mentioned in another thread? I fantasized obsessively in the waiting room about shooting myself and a few times i ran my fingers along the side of my head to the exact spot where i would place the muzzle.
I force myself to stay awake because i'm afraid of sleep. Or at least just laying there in the dark where everything really comes slamming in hard. Even my dreams for the most part have been something i wish i could avoid.
I sometimes miss very much the blanket that alcohol provided. I really do. At least i was more stable. Now i can't seemingly handle anything or i'l feel just blah but at the back of my mind is the nervousness that the dread will all of a sudden pop up and stay with me for the rest of the day. I mean earlier this morning i caught myself thinking about jumping off the George Washington or 59th street bridge.
I do well hiding when i break down in tears. Either i've been alone or have managed to smother sounds in a pillow. I feel it coming on even now as i type this. The unease, the tenseness. the dread.
Will find out details of what to do on Monday. Will go to the doctor who did my checkup and ask how the system works, how to find clinics, etc, etc.
The physical pain is a constant. The mental is slow torture.
Have many churches around here, tempted to go in one and pray for cancer or some other terminal condition. Though i do wonder at times why does God hate me so much?
Sorry everyone for all this. Feel disgusted to be the local drama queen.
Think i'll look for some sleeping pills around here so i can get as long a sleep as possible. Monday is a million years in the future.
Sorry.