auroraxborealis

Hello, all.

I got my Xbox back from (R)?XBF. It took a little more than I thought, but easy enough. It was at his brothers. I could have just picked it up myself, though. Oh, and his new gf's daughter was there--his mom was watching her and he picked her up. Great.

Anyways, he came out to the car and tried to talk to me. I am absolutely horrible at reconstructing conversations, but he said his little sister told him I wasn't coming around anymore, and he tried telling me that I should still be around the family and the kids have grown to love me. I cut him off and said I don't want to listen. I lost. I'm done. He said he wasn't talking about himself, he was talking about his family. I said I didn't want to listen. He started grumbling about how he didn't have time to listen to this crap, and I'm being dumb, and went inside, said I could drop his bag (that was carrying my Xbox) with his dad. I stuck it in his car.

About a half hour later, I got a text (surprise, surprise).

X: So since ur gonna act that way, Imma delete ur number. I will just get ahold of u thru pops.

Me: What did you expect?

X: I thought I had a friend. But as usual that's wat I get for thinking. Its all good u ain't hurtin me ur hurtin the kids who have grown to love u

Me: I can't be your friend. I'm not strong enough.

X: Cool bye then. And you sell urvself short.

Me: Take care of yourself. Goodbye.

Well, that's that, then, right?

I texted his sister (we're friends) and said sorry if it seemed like I didn't want to be around them, I just didn't think I could be around X. She said she never said that. Guess which one I believe?

I tortured myself the other day when his new gf popped up on my Facebook when a friend became friends with her, and looked at her profile. If it's true and updated, she works at a liquor store.

After I heard from X's sister, I started thinking that maybe he's started drinking again. It's not my business, I know. But it makes sense to me. Because he's not the X that I saw out of treatment. I mean, yes I totally admit I may have been hoodwinked, but I don't see the humility and honesty that I saw when he came out. So if he's not using hard drugs (not sure if he's UAing or not?) then maybe he's drinking again. That's how it started last year. Drinking, then smoking, then shooting was the downfall.

I want to ask his little sister about it, but not sure if I will. To him, nothing I can say will be taken seriously--I'm just the jealous ex-girlfriend. But she and I have talked about not trusting his recovery 100%, so maybe it will put a bug in her ear. I can imagine SR telling me to mind my own business, but I just don't feel right about not saying something about it because if he needs help then maybe someone other than myself can help, or maybe watch out.

I have one more weekend to get through, and then I'm off to the Southeast for about three and a half months. I have a previously scheduled hair appointment with his baby sister, which I'll try to do at the shop so I don't see him. Make my rounds and say bye to the family.

I'll try going NC while I'm gone, but not sure if I'll be able to. I haven't hardly reached out to him since he's been out anyways. I don't have much to say that won't turn into omgiloveyouimsorrypleasetakemeback. I know better than that. Like I said, I've lost. Again and again.

I've been feeling really down the last few days. Had many good cries. But I actually think I'm OK with this. I feel better than I have in a few days. I love him, but as many have pointed out that doens't mean I have to be with him. And as I said in my last post, I really wish him the best. I think that's why I'm so attached--because I don't see him grabbing recovery by the reins. Maybe if I did then I could let him go? But since I'm doubting him, I want to help him. I hate that I think that way, because I really want him to be healthy and happy.

I know, I know, tl;dr. Thank you if you did finish.