Welcome Stars! I have 2 little girls, ages 5 and 2.5. I am nearly at 19 months sober (always count on Dolly remembering her sober date, and then I subtract a month!). I was drinking daily, with thoughts every night that I wouldn't drink the next day. I would have 3-5 drinks a night over the course of a few hours, not usually getting buzzed til the kids were in bed. But I was increasingly getting pass out drunk from binges, and finally quit the madness. I find lots of comfort and support on this board, and hope you will too. I also have tendencies towards hypochondria.... I think stemming largely from my husband's cancer dx 12 years ago, but honestly, drank way too much before that point, too. In fact, right now, I fear a resurgence of his cancer (comes and goes - not the cancer, but my fear), I fear that I have throat cancer, and I fear that my 2 year old is going to have pneumonia. Yeah. That's me....
So.... we are not going to Florida this week. We got a call from hubby's brother on the 23rd telling us that his mom was put on a ventilator and is heavily sedated. The ICU doesn't let kids in, so we decided to cancel the trip (we made plans a few weeks ago when she was struggling, but still at home). Yesterday we arranged for him to fly down today for who knows how long. I am not good at being home alone, and the madness started swirling in my head today. It was a beautiful day and I craved margaritas hard. And then white wine, and then my mind traveled to drinking whatever was in the barn fridge. Beer, gin, my brother's homemade moonshine. I had mild panic and intrusive thoughts. Fears that I couldn't care for my kids. Fears that I would lose control and do something stupid. I had no plan for this change in our plans - for his being gone and me being alone for who knows how long. I'm still afraid. Why does this happen? As a stay-at-home mom, I do the lions share of caregiving no problem most days. But I didn't have a plan for all this to happen, and I feel shaken. I am emotionally strained by my sadness for my husband and his family. I'm physically strained by an awful night last night with my 2 year old - she was coughing and vomiting, with a fever and I was up every hour with her. And I'm worried about the real possibility that I may have to break the news to my oldest daughter that her beloved Nana passed away. I went to the library with the girls today and got some magazines, which will hopefully get me to sleep okay, and my oldest wanted to sleep in my bed, so that will help me feel comforted. I've looked on the internet for things to do with the girls each day, including a fun little festival with fireworks in a town near us on NYE. I know I'm strong. I know the biggest gift I can give to my husband and his family was giving him the space and support for him to travel down there to be with them. I think the thing I need to remember most is that I have several sets of amazing friends and neighbors to rely on, and my parents are just an hour away, and have told me to call if I need anything. And I have to do it. I need to not wait until I'm completely stressed out to call on help - a playdate here and there with a good friend to talk it out... a drop-off playdate for my older girl when my youngest is napping to give myself some free time. I know women raise kids all by themselves all the time, but I'm not used to it!
Thanks for letting me vent it all out... I'm going to try to work on boosting my self-confidence and not let the doubts rule my thoughts.