Realizing that I still need more work.
Christmas was hard for me this year.
My sister tragically died a year and a half ago. Last year I was still sort of numb and just did everything I could to make sure my nephew (her son) and my own children had a pleasant holiday. This year, it feels more real. She truly is gone and we will never share another holiday together.
I feel being an ACA and coming from a dysfunctional family makes the grief worse. There was a time period were my sister and I would support each other through the holidays. I feel abandon by her.
Christmas morning started out okay. I was determined to make sure my immediate family had a lovely Christmas. I had spent a lot of time shopping for gifts this year. I wanted my husband, daughter, and son to have plenty of presents that were thoughtful and fun. I wanted to make up for all those not so perfect Christmas mornings in my childhood. I got a lovely single present from each of them, but started to feel sad that they didn't spend much time buying fun extra gifts for me. As I sat and watched them open all of their gifts, I felt my wounded inner child coming through again.
I'm embarassed to say that I ended up spending some time crying in my bedroom. The tears really weren't about my lack of getting fun trinkets to open up. The saddness was from all those years of not getting my needs met - all those Christmas mornings spent with a hungover dad and an angry mom.
I have spent my entire life wishing and hoping for a "normal" family. Every Christmas I just feel this pain that I will never have that.
I love my immediate family and I think my husband and I are doing remarkably well considering we are both ACA's. I wonder if I'll ever be able to accept that we will never have a Norman Rockwell extended family.
I pulled myself together and made a lovely dinner. My nephew and brother-in-law came over. I think everyone had a good time. My husband took care of the dishes!
I missed my sister. I am worried about my nephew (he's 12). I still struggle with codependency and an inner child that wants to come out and pout every once in awhile. I'm in my early 50's. I have made progress, but sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. Will I ever be truly "recovered"?
Todays a new day and I will try to keep focusing on the things that I can control. The sun is out; I'll walk my dog. Maybe read some Melody Beaty today.
Thank you for letting me share.
db