Merry Christmas Jeremy.
When I was a kid, I was on vacation at a place with a huge waterslide. I wanted to go down it, but I was afraid. I hemmed and hawed about it for what seemed like hours. One of my friends convinced me just to sit down at the top of the slide. Then he pushed me down! That first fraction of a second I was angry at being tricked, but I soon forgot about that, because that waterslide was so fun and exciting. Quite frankly, I was grateful to my friend for doing what he did, and I felt a little foolish that, left to my own devices, I would have robbed myself of such an experience. I must have gone down that slide thirty more times that day, and I didn't need anyone to push me.
Go to inpatient, Jeremy. In your mind you've created it into something a lot scarier than it actually is. The reality is, it will give you exactly what you need. You come on here and wax philosophical about religion or mental illness or other topics, but you are still stuck at the top of your mental waterslide, I don't know, trying to rationalize something that isn't rational. The more you equivocate on this issue, the more you're psyching yourself out.
Give yourself and your family the best Christmas gift ever. Go to inpatient. Prayers for you and them.