Merry Christmas, Jeremy!
So many of us here care about you. I, and many others, hope that you will choose the path that will give you some peace. The path is right in front of you and I know you know that. You're just scared to start that trek.
You deserve a more peaceful and uncomplicated life. You can have that, Jeremy, but you need to take that first step. Please, take that step and go inpatient. As much as you dread it now, you will feel that much more relief once you let someone help you.