MelindaFlowers

Hey,

A week ago I was typing on here about how the holidays are no more challenging than any other time of year, all confident in myself with my six month experience.

Hot damn that ADDICTIVE Voice is sneaky. I didn't even realize I had one until last night and tonight. If yours hasn't introduced itself yet, watch out. All I can say is daaaang. It truly is in a different category of physiology/psychology/emotionality or whatever fancy word you can put in there.

I did not drink but I will say one more time: daaaaang!

It's not in the same universe as the I want candy but I won't have candy. I guess I've had my own little spiritual awakening here. I think for the first time I fully realize what addiction is. I get it.

In June, I was diagnosed with an inflamed liver, enzymes through the roof, shaky hands, daily withdrawals, spiritual bankruptcy. I believed, very objectively, that I was near to or at least not far from death. I had my first "awakening" and stopped that day. I was someone who could not get a DAY ONE. I couldn't even cut back to six days a week. In June I stopped and because of my "awakening" it wasn't even that difficult. I internalized, and accepted, that at 32, after eight years of heavy daily drinking and daily hangovers that I was done. And I am done.

So anyways, back to yesterday and today. I had two very monumental events in the past two days. First, I believe that my obvious PAWS symptoms that lingered since June have ended. I feel as healthy and great as a 32 year old that has never had a drink in my life. Amen. The work has paid off. I have been waiting for this day for six months.

And on to the second event. My best friend since childhood is visiting from out of town. About 6 pm, out of nowhere, I paused, looked at the clock, and my addictive voice (which I didn't knew I had YET) said melinda, it's 6:00. The liquor store closes in an hour. Your BFF is here. It's Christmas.....come on and for about 13 minutes I just could not shake the feeling.
I did not go of course. My friend doesn't even drink! I surfed the urge, first time I really have had to do this.

We had a great evening watching movies and I woke up feeling great. But then tonight at five pm I found myself feeling antsy around 5 pm, knowing that it's Xmas eve and the liquor stores were closing in an hour. What the hell? Where did this come from? Weeeeeeird.

Didn't go. Didn't drink. No hangover tomorrow!

I had a monumental realization tonight: when you stop drinking as a serious alcoholic, you're not just stopping buying or swallowing it. It's a total mind-f###, pardon my language. It changes so very much about the way you think about so many things. The AV part of me thought two things. 1. Tonight with BFF would be so much more fun drunk. 2. Tonight will be boring without drinking. I REPEAT: that was my av. Not Melinda thinking that. It was very bizarre. Part of me wanted to drink the last two nights in exchange for five days hangovers, a ruined Christmas Day, almost guaranteed blackout, you know the story.

This is all so strange to me. I guess I just wanted to share my thoughts. I am humbled by this experience. I also have a new appreciation for addiction. This is one one scary MOFO. But, thank god for you wonderful people who have way more time than me for showing me that we can get through Christmas Eve, no problem.

I will be stronger after the past two days. What an adventure this is!