Hey, Briar. My heart is with you, my friend.
I empathize with so much of what you're saying. I read through your very first post on this board and it helped me recognize the happiness and rationality that you're capable of. Life is rough, no question. I would bet that you've had more soul-wrenching emotional trials than I can imagine. And that AV, god it sucks so badly. It preys. It says it'll bring happinsss again if you just let it. Every moment of hearing it is a moment that it gets stronger. There is no rationality contained within it; it will concoct a system where the pleasure of the moment can still be achieved safely.. But you know better. You've experienced that lie enough to come here, over a year ago.
You will get to seven months again, one moment at a time. I believe in you.