The Tables Have Turned
Last night I was discharged and came home from the hospital. My daughters were SO SO excited to see me. We did FaceTime a lot but it doesn't even compare to having them in my arms. When we got home, I was in for a surprise. My home was in a cleaner state (like much, much, much cleaner - he got me some cute desk organizer for my office) than I had left it and he had already fed our daughters dinner (baked salmon, quinoa and roasted carrots - he was really excited to show me the leftovers of his very successful and healthy dinner), and had taken the care to wash my sheets, my comforter and duvet before I returned home. He promptly made me a cup of tea and made sure that I had all of my medicine needs covered.
Last night I had insisted that he take this weekend to take care of himself, he's spent the whole week being a stay-at-home-dad (while I've been in the hospital) and still doing his own work and somehow finding time to do all of this cleaning and organizing (who knew this guy could organize?!). He flat out refused. He said that he thinks that I'm downplaying my own pain and he wants to take care of me. This morning he arrived right after our kids woke up (with Starbucks in hand only for me) and I was immensely grateful, I felt like my eyes were going to explode out of my head, my migraine was so fierce. This afternoon he let me nap and came in after 3 hours only because he was worried that I might feel worse than I was letting on to and wanted to know if I needed to see a doctor. This evening he waited to leave until it was time for me to take my medicine again because he was afraid I'd fall asleep and forget to take it.
This is really new vulnerable territory for me. I do need his help and he's being so gentle and thoughtful and sweet to me, he's taken such excellent care of our kids and our home and apparently himself this week. He's utilized our babysitter (even purchased a Christmas card and gave it to her this week - it was on my to do list and he did it without complaint. In fact, he hasn't complained about anything and it must be so stressful to have your wife sick, and away and then jump into caring for both of your kids full time.) and he took our oldest to speech therapy and kept all meals allergy free for our youngest. I keep worrying that I'm getting in the way of his program, but then remind myself that his program is his. I do need his help but I feel guilty for accepting it. It's like I really, really had myself thoroughly convinced that I was superwoman and now being offered help (and worse, accepting it) makes me feel like a fraud.
I don't know how to deal with not operating at 100% and actually needing help. After both of my c-sections I went home the next day and was back to running less than 2 weeks after my kids were born. My doctor says now I can't run for AT LEAST 3 weeks. And how do I repay my husband? How do I repay my sponsor? How do I repay my friends? I feel so uncomfortable with this attention. I also keep thinking that my husband's codependent side is coming out in full force right now but again, his problems and his program are his. He seems happy (and says as much) to be helping out as much as he is, although, I know he must just get home and collapse on his bed. He does admit that he is wiped out. Yeah, I can empathize with that.
I like fixing things. I do not like being the thing that needs fixing.