I didn't leave my ex when I wanted to because he'd threaten suicide. He'd tell me that I saved him, I'm the only thing he lives for, etc... He'd also drive completely drunk and while I felt horrible guilt over that, I convinced myself that at least while he was with me, I could control it a little and make everyone on the roads a little safer. I couldn't. He just started hiding his drinking and drinking in the liquor store parking lot before he'd come home. I finally realized that I had zero control over him making appropriate decisions about driving and the guilt of him driving home to our house with the possibility of killing an innocent person or family out on the road eventually got the best of me. I couldn't take that sickening worry anymore. I knew that if I left him and something happened, I'd never, ever forgive myself, but if I didn't leave him and something happened, I'd feel like an accomplice. But still, the guilt about either decision ate me up. Now, not so much -- I just worry about running into him out on the roads when he's in that condition. It disgusts me.
I'm just beginning to learn about boundaries and I still don't know where to begin - I either have zero tolerance, extremely rigid boundaries or none at all. There is no in between with me, and I'm so unsure as to how to find that gray area. Time and practice I guess.
Guilt is my middle name. I grew up Catholic with two alcoholic parents. My dad was as emotionally distant and abusive and my mom struggled with depression that she medicated with alcohol. They hated each other. Between their wars and drinking, there was no time to teach me how to to deal with life, just a lot of screaming, yelling, chaos and hatred, so I learned on my own as I went along. I still don't know what 'normal' is.
I struggle with guilt over everything! I honestly don't know what is mine to own and what isn't sometimes, because just about any decision I make to help myself makes me feel guilty. I second guess everything. EVERYTHING! I have an impossible time making decisions and even after I make them, I'm tempted to change them 100x's or second guess them until I'm physically ill.
I'm hoping that between counseling, al-anon, SR and the self help books I'm reading, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.