I have trouble doing it with anyone.
My mother is a narcissist so I was not taught about boundaries, I was not allowed to have boundaries and if I tried to create any, they were trampled on. So I built walls instead. Nothing got in and nothing got out.
But the wall I built did not work to keep anything out because fear got in, guilt got in, shame go in and anger got in. The only thing it kept out was love. If I loved you or you loved me, that just equaled pain for me. I lived in a very negative state of mind.
I am reaching a point in my life that I am starting to understand that boundaries are not walls. They are what I stand for, what I am willing to accept or not accept. What is my self worth and what I need to do to stand up for that and respect myself. If I don't do this, no one is going to do it for me. I must create my own boundaries. By doing this I show I respect myself and I take responsibility for myself and my own actions. I can’t continue to blame others for behaving badly if I continue to tolerate it. Their wrong does not make me right. My actions and my responsibility for them, is what I have to live with. It defines who I am and the kind of person I want to be.
Many times I said or felt I did not like something but I let others cross that line and I learned to accept the unacceptable because I was afraid. I was afraid I would not be liked or loved. I was afraid the person would walk away. I was afraid what people would think about me. I was afraid I did not have all of the information and I was always second guessing myself. This caused anger and guilt. On one side I was saying “Nobody is listening to me” and on the other I was saying “Don’t listen to me, I am sorry, I didn’t mean it, don’t be mad at me or leave”. It was a vicious cycle.
Time and time again I said "No" and time and time again I said "Okay, but this is the last time!"
I think we get to a point that we understand and realize that we have self worth. We have the right to choose and decide what is best for us and once we do that then there is no guilt, shame, fear or anger.
Am I there yet? No, but it is getting better. I am taking baby steps and as I do I feel better about boundaries because at first I was deathly afraid of them.
Every small boundary I put in place and stand by makes me a little stronger and when a person listens to that boundary and respects it, wow, that is powerful. It is validation.