Hi Zanzibar, I just was reading your posts and they struck a chord, because I've had my own isolation issues, too. I used to cut my family out when I was at my worst.
But they will forgive you. But they can't if you don't first reach out and start the process. I think reaching out would be a nice Christmas gift.
I think once you stop beating yourself up and contact them, you will be pleasantly surprised. The longer you leave it the harder it will get.
You'll be so relieved after, you'll wonder why you hadn't before. You have to forgive yourself first though.
ps-the fact that you have an employee loyal enough to keep working and paying himself, says volumes about you.
Good luck.