Carbonized

Hoping things go quick but i've already been advised that everything takes a long time to process. And that's even if i qualify since everything is given to lazy hoodrats from the projects and their stroller bound welfare magnets. Also planning for an imminent start to a workout as i gained all kinds of hideous weight working at my last job drinking endless caffeine sodas and energy drinks and utterly crap food combined with virtually zero real exercise. I plan to torture myself with this workout combined with supplemental as well as chemical assistance to get myself to an aesthetic i can tolerate in the mirror and is socially acceptable. If i'm not on the verge of a heart attack i'm not pushing hard enough. Have to wait though as i need the exam first as i need to know how much and exactly what damage i have physically.

Mentally things are not going well lately. Looking for every possible way to banish a lifelong loser mentality. Need to be 100% sure and confident of myself at all times. Need to be a winner. Have only a few months until my business plans kick in and if i don't have everything absolutely solid gold tiptop i might as well put a bullet in my head as i don't stand even a minor chance at pulling this off, i will fail and i'll be dead. There is no other option.

Have to keep looking. When i think about the situation lately, i'm tending towards panic attacks. Anxiety is really bad today and right now.

Thanks everyone for being here. If and when i talk to a psychologist is the only person i can discuss this with. 20 million people in this area and i'm alone as usual.