Michael- the first step you made was joining SR and that's great
I am sorry you are in such emotional pain, but this will get better if you focus on sobriety. Get to an AA meeting as soon as you can, they're free. The people there can help you tremendously. I have been sober for 20 days and the first week was the hardest, and although I have a long way to go I feel the best I have felt in years. You can do this. We are here to support you!