Terror of Failing
In my home growing up my oldest brother disappeared when we were younger then came back older completely buying into the "family lie" my middle brother acted out constantly, then left the family as an adult then came back with an almost unshakable Hakuna Matata mentality. Then there was me. The youngest, the "perfect" kid until in my mid 20s i met some people who encouraged me to care about myself more than the lie.
It has brought some amazing changes to my life. However today I put in an application on a job that I am excited to possibly get. All of my bosses came to me about it and the possibility it will be mine is larger than the opposite. But I find myself terrified. I knew I was in trouble when the thought, "Oh hell, I wish I could just sleep until they come back and tell me someone else got it and I can stop hoping."
The only person in my life who would be disappointed in me if this didn't work my way would be me. I hate that it is so hard to be even half as kind, gentle and accepting to myself as I am to others, and as they are to me. Guess the alcoholic is still beating me up, only now the voice is my own.