Thread: Disatisfied
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Old 04-26-2005, 08:02 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Andy F
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 448
Originally Posted by historyteach
What is the pen and paper used for in this instance, Andy?
Shalom!
To write and get back to remembring why I quit. To get back to a positive frame of mind where I am happy and contented, grateful to be a non-smoker. Similar to stopping drinking really.

e.g.

the smell on my clothes.

self-consciousness around kissing my non-smoking wife.

self-consciousness around clients.

self-consciousness of having to leave public buildings like a leper at every break to find a corner to smoke

not having to sit in meetings desperate to smoke

if I get arrested for any reason the police can't play power games over letting me smoke.

that wheeze on my chest

that sense that excercise is a bit pointless

The whole thing that society is generally geared up for non-smokers now

Knowing that one day I either took the bull by the horns and quit or I would smoke to the day I died - and that there was no middle solution.

That fear that at what point would I smoke the cigarette too far

The erosion of my self-esteem because I would not quit

But, I smoked for the reasons I wanted to smoke, not for the reasons I didn't want to. I think I am full of romantic B.S. from the days when I was a crook and we stayed up till 3am planning stuff and smoking. I think that unconsciously I am feeling uncomfortable and I believe, like ripping a plaster off, taking a cigarette will soothe that. And temporarily will be acceptable if I don't get my thinking right.

Have I made a commitment to stop? Unconditional? Did I mean it? Bollocks, I nailed myself. Now how I feel about it is up to me.

I am going to go and write out my smoking tape now. My blow by blow, moment by moment account of what happens leading up to and taking the first cigarette. No good unless I write down the feelings and thoughts with it. I already know there will be no satisfaction but plenty of guilt, but I can experience the emotional response on paper.

That's kind of how my writing starts. lol.
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