Originally Posted by
Seren 
Over the years, there has never been any amount of my loving concern, anxious worrying, sleepless nights, begging, pleading, tears, attempts at manipulation, snarky snide remarks, condescension, yelling, and even threats ("or else") that ever made one wit of difference in the drinking or drugging behavior of my addicted loved ones.
Control, or rather my attempts at control, was something I finally had to give up where my addicted family members are concerned, or I was going to be one bitter and angry woman.
It took me a loooooooonnnnngggg old time to get there, and is still something I work at today.
Interestingly enough, during my years as a member of SoberRecovery, I realized I don't have any control over the decisions made by my fellow friends and family members, either.
I used to find myself feeling very frustrated at times with some other members and I would start saying the same thing to them over and over again because clearly, they hadn't understood what wonderful and sage advice I was offering or they would be taking my advice and putting it into action by now, gosh darn it! If they would only do what I said.....er.....*sigh*.....control, much, there Seren?
Yep, I was trying to control another friend or family member here in the same way I used to try to control my addicted family members! Sheesh!
What I really appreciate about a place like SR, even more than I did in the beginning, is the breadth of experience among our members. It's amazing to me still when someone shares their experience and their own insight that might be one I did not have. It's my decision, however, whether or not to incorporate that new idea into my life--whether or not I think it is relevant to my situation or if it will work for me. The bottom line is that we all have the right to live our lives and make our own decisions based on our own best judgment at the time--even if others don't agree.
Peace in the valley, S
Thank you for your post, Seren. I really do enjoy SR, as it offers me a place of recovery when I cannot attend a meeting. My husband loves to spend time with me watching tv, and so I am able to come here on SR while being with him (killing two birds with one stone). (Oh, oh, I can just envision the multitude of posts that will tell me I am living for him and not taking care of myself, LOL!!!)
Anyways, in my months here since joining SR, I did at many times feel pressured to leave my husband, and that if I didn't take this advice, something was wrong with me. In other words, I felt other members were trying to control me. I am still with my husband today and grateful for this decision to be able to think for myself. Will my husband drink again, become belligerent, and do something stupid? Possibly, but this is where I am right now.
Thank you for your post because I think it's important that other members share their experience and wisdom without coercing other members to actually live out that advice, to which some people then become upset that other members are not taking their advice seriously, or they think something is wrong with you or that you are drunk because you are not complying.
I did see this irony, however, on these boards. The irony of members telling others to relinquish control to their addicted loved ones yet at the same time trying to control other members on these boards.
I am in AA, and I follow that Big Book suggestion that when others bother you, view them as "sick" people who need to be prayed for, which is exactly what I do.