I know it's hard and Christmas is tough enough without this. But you know that if you let 'one more' day or 'one more' holiday go by, it will bring you down. We are hopeful people. They prey on that.
My EH is a alcoholic ... one Christmas he was on a bender. It was always up to me to put on a holiday for everyone. He could see that i was tearing up a lot and trying to be happy but i knew in my heart that it was over.
So he took me outside, gave me a big hug, tender moments and promised that we would be together forever. He wasn't going to leave me, etc. I went back in with a happier heart and everyone had a great Christmas.
He told me the next day that he no longer wanted to be married. I fell apart but managed to ask him why he told me the day before that it would be okay ... his answer -
"i wanted everyone to have a good time and they weren't going to with you acting the way you were".
I hated myself for clinging to hope during that Christmas. My self esteem was shot and i despised him now. But i walked thru it and though he had changed his mind, i was finished.
So do what you will not cost you in self esteem. It will bring you strength and you will be proud. We all understand the situation and babysitting but if you want, you can do anything. If he disappeared, what would you do to find a sitter for Saturdays ?