Sorry I got the wrong end of the stick Zanz. I had the idea that your son has cut you off, but sometimes I read so many stories the details muddle up in my mind.
If your son wants to make contact with you, that must mean he's sees the same goodness and gentleness in you that the rest of us do.
Could it be possible you're letting self loathing run the show here? and by letting it do that you're feeding it even more?
Comes a time when we have to forgive ourselves if we want to move on Zanz.
I can't think of a better time to re-enter your sons life than the birth of a new grandchild
D