I found out today that my son's fiancé had a baby girl last month. I didn't even know he was engaged, or that she was even pregnant. And not even to the same girl he was with the last time I talked to him.
How's that for a caring dad!
I don't deserve to be anyone's father, much less have friends. I'm not feeling sorry for myself though it probably sounds like I am. I'm just stating a fact.
I've had a crappy life from the get go. But there was no reason for me to have to follow the steps that I grew up in. I had an alcoholic narcissistic violent mother. And the only trait I seem to have not carried on was the violence. As far as the narcissism goes, with the way I treat my family and friends I obviously carried along that trait quite well as well.
It's obvious to me that this is the way I've chosen to live my life. And since it was my choice I have to live with the consequences. I don't want to live like this, but I only have myself to thank.
I try to change things, but I seem to continuously lead myself right back to pushing people away by avoiding them.
My sons and friends shouldn't have to work that hard to remain close, that's supposed to be my job. But it's not getting done.
Do I feel crappy about this. I most certainly do. As I should.