Hi, Snitzle----welcome to the Boards. Hopefully you will receive the support you need here.
First of all----know that no matter how angry your A gets, it is not your fault that he drinks!!! If he says that it is, then he is just trying to place the blame somewhere other than where it should be----with himself!!!! The problem with losing our self-esteem over time is that we tend to believe all the rotten things that are thrown at us. I found over the years that it is easier to believe the bad things than it is the good. After all, we tend to hear more bad, right???
Time to start building up that self-worth again, Snitzle---and coming here to the board and attending Alanon meetings are the best start you can get. Don't be afraid to let all your feelings out, because you'll be surprised at how many of us have been where you are right now. We're a family here, and no one will judge. Somehow, every time I get on the board and read what others are saying---I walk away feeling better!!! These people are awesome----and more caring than I ever thought possible!!! Hopefully, you will see that also, and get the support you need. Love, LACEEJOE