Oh my I am so sorry. I know this behavior well. I have so many useless really expensive gifts that I can't even enjoy because they are guilt gifts. The only thing I have ever asked for and really need is a sober partner. I don't know about anyone else but I can't even look at some of the things and certainly wouldn't be able the look at curtains hanging in the house knowing the price of those are so much more than the money.
I am hoping you will be a little bit "selfish" this holiday and do something spectacular for yourself.