My RAH and I have discussed my feelings that gifts I received from him were with these sort of manipulative ties in marital counseling. He does not get it even sober. Because to get it makes a big part of his identity fray. The giver all of a sudden has a sinister side.
Katchie, take care of you. That is the biggest gift you can get out of this - your self worth and acting on it. The downstream effect of this change in focus will help your boys too.