Welcome. I understand your post....deeply. Since I began drinking, it was always a matter of way too much. Way too much. I first went to AA in my early 20's because I had no understanding of why I drank to such alarming states...total blackouts...often. I would wake up in strange places with strange faces...often. I was young. I didn't drink everyday. It was a weekend thing....
It was hard for me to find resonance with the "alcoholic" word because there was so much criteria my addiction would look at and be able to say..well, no....you don't do that...so "see, see see...you're not!". It was a really, really scary time ..in hindsight...
Nobody was saying anything I resonated with. All I knew is I drank to dizzying levels and put myself in harm...left myself "unminded" so very, very often.
And well..it didn't happen EVERY time I drank...but geez, if it happens 4 times in 7...those are still bad odds. And something terrible can happen in one of those 4 times...
Things can get destroyed. People can get destroyed...relationships, careers, health... love, dignity, esteem.
It's not worth it.