erin8

So today was day 5. yay.
Workload was light today so we were out early from work and I decided to catch an early meeting nearby. It was a newcomers meeting and coincidentally the woman chairing was the same woman who chaired MY newcomers meeting. It was the first time I'd seen her since that day. It was a little eerie. If I'd have gotten sober right then I'd have 3 months of sobriety by now but it is what it is and I'm still trying. Its taken me some time to admit that I AM an alcoholic. I've been dealing with a lot of denial but when it comes down to it I really cannot deny it. At one time, maybe 3 years ago, I was able to cut back for awhile. I'd tell myself that I was only going to have 4 or 5 and I'd stick to it. I'd say, ok thats enough I don't want to get sick, but somewhere between then and now I crossed a screw it line. I'd just go make myself sick so that I would feel better and continue on with my night. Somewhere between then and now I went from partying on the weekends with my friends to wanting to drink alone in my room so that no one would tell me to stop and I wouldn't embarrass myself (yeah right! I still had a phone and internet access!) Anyway, I'm only 5 days sober but I've still come a long way. You don't just unlearn everything when you have a slip. I've been going to meetings for about 3 months now and they give me hope. SR gives me hope. I had the av in my head for a minute today. I was thinking about how I'd start the night with 3 drinks in a row and that relief I'd feel when it went down. Its still tugging at me a bit. But today instead of giving in and saying screw it I'm able to tell that voice to be quiet. That feeling that I like lasts all of about 5 minutes then I want more. The thirst in unquenchable. Thank you all for being here and for all you've taught me.