Hi ZJW,
I'm glad you addressed this amends.
Does your wife ever get a break? You have had 6 kids in 15 years. She is still breast feeding? I felt like a cow doing that. I didn't even feel human! I'm an introvert and I would have been suicidal if I had to raise 6 kids for sure. When she disses on anyone else watching your brood, I suspect she has her identity too wrapped up in being their mom. No one else can do it martyrdom syndrome?
You mentioned lack of intimacy. Kids do that. Have you worked out if you are having more kids or not? That could be a big boulder if you two haven't agreed or talked about family size. It was a big relief to me when my H and I agreed on our family size.
Are any of your kids old enough to hold the house together for an hour? Can you take your wife for a walk and follow up on your letter? Or drive to a park and sit and talk? Give her an opening. Hold her hand. Tell her you don't expect her to run 60 miles a week, but you want her to have time to reconnect with who she is and who she wants to be too. She needs time to get her head together. You run and occasionally go to meetings. What does she do for herself?
Have you suggested marital counseling? Does your work offer counseling via an EAP? This year I got 5 free sessions which saved me $200 in co-pays. Used them for marital counseling in 2014.
Counseling was worth every penny for me. I went 2-3x a mo for,8 mo. I really reviewed a lot of FOO issues. I think stress, your marriage, your job issues, your issues with your step father are all excellent issues for therapy. I too recognized in many ways, my problems are just a slightly different response to the same core problems my RAH likely has. But he is not where I am, so we don't talk about it.
Three years sober is incredible. The steps are a simple program for effective life review and transformation. As a programmer you might like this book, The Happiness Hypothesis. I really found it helpful. I'm a seeker, so I do some of this naturally. When I read the book, I loved the equation in it. maybe you will identify what you need to tinker with to increase your happiness and hopefully the satisfaction level in your marriage and,perhaps,seek some new friends.
Meaning of Life: Mega Haidt Page
I wish you well. You know don't feel obligated to answer any of this. It's all rhetorical and not meant for you to feel nit picked here on SR. Just think on the situation... Hopefully you will find some simple time investment on your family and married life will reap some great improvements. At three years, you might need to take a two pronged approach on your recovery - self and relationships.
Peace,