A little scared...actually terrified.
Hi Everyone,
This is my first day not calling my AA sponsor and tomorrow I plan to not attend my homegroup. I have almost 4 months sober and I'm scared to lose it. I hate to admit this but leaving AA is proving to be difficult for me. It's the only recovery I've known and after relapses the rooms were the place I would always return to. After every relapse I would conclude that I simply hadn't worked the program right.
I had lovely day today, but still have guilt about not calling my sponsor and feel bad for not following through with the stepwork. In my gut I just know something isn't right, yet at the same time I'm afraid that I'm one of those "unwilling" or not "rigorously honest" enough persons that always get drunk again. Initially, I tried to ignore my discomfort as I always have done in the past but I simply can't any longer. I'm leaving a lot of service work behind and do not even want to contact my sponsor to let her know that I'm done. I doubt I'll hear from her either, as she prides herself on not "chasing pigeons." I'm not even doing the slow fade. I'm just going away completely and cutting off contact because I do not want to be confronted and warned about the dangers of thinking for myself and the eventual relapse that will happen.
AA is a great place for support, but it comes with a lot of strings attached. Mainly, that membership is life long. You simply don't graduate from Alcoholics Anonymous. This bothers me tremendously and I view those that have years and years of sobriety that still go to so many meetings with curiosity, but mostly pity. I do not want to be like that. There are a few people I really like...but without AA there's no context for us to still be friends I suppose (I hope this isn't the case but I have a feeling it's what's gonna happen).
So I really need help! I don't have many friends here as I moved to this state for treatment and since I'm trying to exit AA I doubt I'll be left with many friends from the program.
This also the first time I've used a forum of this sort.
Thanks you guys...