zanzibar

I've done this before, but not to the extent that I am now. I don't want to avoid them but I do. I'm to the point now that I feel I no longer have the right to contact them. I really do care about them, but it's been so long now that my anxiety goes sky high when I even think of checking email for fear of what they have to say. In regards to how much of an uncaring idiot I am, or if they want me to take a hike and no longer contact them.

It started about seven months ago. And culminated a few months ago, when I just took off and rode across the country to the west coast. I didn't tell a soul where I was going, or even that I was going. I'm lucky to have the guy working for me that I do. He just kept coming to work, and paid himself out of cash payments! (It's not the first time I've pulled this stunt) But never for this long.

I've discussed this with my Therapists, who I also worried, and I'm convinced it's a combination of feeling I have to hurt myself. As well as a way to maintain a certain level of anxiety. Almost like I'm addicted to the anxiety or something, or possibly just another way to hurt myself. Why I don't know.
The problem is that I'm not only hurting myself, I'm hurting those who care about me as well. When they disappear on me, I get very upset and worried. But it seems that I feel okay with doing it to them. And that's not right.

I'm starting to come out of it. But do I really have any right at all to expect them to just accept me back with open arms? Put in their shoes, I don't know if I would.
It would be nice if they did, but I certainly can't and don't expect them to.

Right now I feel like every bit a horrible friend and father, who just plain doesn't deserve them.

So for the friends I've hurt on SR, for what it's worth. I'm really sorry.