That is SO right, DUCK. I always pray for that...the courage to see the truth that I need to see...because when that truth comes up...in small and doable ways...I can change more as needed...I remind myself now that over the years...I have seen (or become aware)--even before the words were in my mind...through my intuition and gut...that I didn't want to participate in family of origin gossip and took steps (didn't like the consequences...but kept to it)--worked to wake up from the fogginess that I started to become aware of when oldest daughter (tyg...now functional and living her life) started using drugs 19 years ago and my intuition told me that things were NOT right with her--worked on dealing with the pain of 'waking up' to my ACOA situation as was working to support my 2nd daughter (tyg--functional...although she has remained angry and continues to project all the blame on me for the interventions--so have done more work since June to emotionally detach to the point where she can't get to me directly--she, similar to other loved ones...is a glass half empty person and a blamer...and when I dealt with ACOA issues...I began to realize and wake up to the fact that I was not invincible and that that kind of personality and treatment (regardless of whether they are aware of it or not) really destroys my spirit...so am holding the boundary with her and letting her make her own decisions...which are hurtful...like calling me to kick out her brother who she took willingly 2 years ago...but now saying..you need to take on being a mom again (she was manipulative before the drugs...it took me waking up to a friend manipulating me to understand that about her) and me setting the boundary...he did come here...but through talking to me...and not through her manipulating and speaking so disrespectfully (I actually believe that she is emotionally abusive to me but the family is very enmeshed and just do what she says and talk behind her back (but not if I join in...so I don't...just get up and leave...because then they put all that on me)--and making it uncomfortable for her older sister (who she also invited) to move...fortunately that boundary had been set by me in June...I told her that she could not move from LA back in with me (it has never worked out before and I was so weak I offered...but I have no room...this is the first private space that I have had in 4 years...that I could call my own...no matter how fragile it all is...and since...she has gotten her own apartment and I have asked her not to disclose things about her sister that are unpleasant...no matter how true...as I have had my own issues...she refused to let me stay at the 'shared' apartment husband and I left her when we went to Chile...we were both on lease (we were trying to get her to be more responsible...but she turned it into a black and white...since we didn't pay rent...we lost all rights to it...) and she won out...and I finally just let go of it...and gave her the security deposit too...this was over a year ago...because I just wasn't going to win for losing and since that was my whole life with my mother...I have let it go...and now I am just 'letting' her do what she chooses...I know that she keeps me in the dark...and as I said...have chosen (again--this is something I started working on in therapy 23 years ago--not over-sharing with my kids...one about the other...but to focus on each on...and for the most part...have held to that...although have had some weak points...over share with oldest when mother/sister cut me off...she was 18--I was still dealing with her addiction...but now when she brings it up and says she and oldest son are worried...I just have said...I am sorry that I did that...wasn't aware...and have done a lot of therapeutic work to not do it...so can't change the past...but will get back to the present. I also shut things off when my hubby and adult children start to engage in gossip about people in the community that I am not particularly interested in--have always been very plugged into nonverbal communications...so in many instances knew the rumor and chose not to share it...something came up on Thanksgiving about one of my youngest son's friends parents...and I just said...I don't believe everything I hear and it is usually best not to keep things like this (that has been circulating for a long time) alive...rumors about one of his best friends mothers (from 4th grade--and I really liked both his parents...still do...although haven't seen them in years) having an affair with a pro baseball player who lived her...broke the marriage up...but it is now 10-11 years later...so I just focused on eating my meal...
Well...am writing a book here..