Hello, my friend.
Well, I am glad that you came here to express all this at least now. Not so sure what really constructive thing to suggest in this very moment (maybe I will have ideas later) but I wanted to say something...
You know, what strikes me about you ever since I've gotten to "know" you a bit here on the boards? It's your explosive emotions and reactions. I alluded to this a bit more indirectly before on a previous thread of yours. Be it sudden burst of motivation, anger, despair, sadness, self-loathing, vulnerability, determination... anything really. Also that perhaps often you want too much all at once... expect changes too fast... with your very admirable drive but maybe it drives you at a speed too high... I will also say that reading your posts, I often admire the spontaneity that seems so natural for you, simply because it is not that way for me... but you know the banality: sometimes our greatest strengths come in the same package with our greatest challenges.
I may be totally on a wrong track with this, but I feel that perhaps this is what you could try to work on, whether in counseling, AA, SR, your own everyday life. Try to temper somehow these explosive emotions and constant desire for fast change, at least for a while. Try to find ways to be somewhat less reactive to these feelings at the moment when they arise, or in general. It would not mean becoming detached and cold, just perhaps a little slowing. Instead of going spontaneously with the flow and speed of your feelings in the moment, maybe try to find a focus on a bigger picture, and ride the current in such a way that pieces of your life and experiences could start to integrate for a little longer so that it won't fragment again too soon. Don't run away. So quick
Not sure if any of this rambling is useful but I wanted to share my thoughts. Hugs to you, Nuu.