Admittedly, it's been brewing a long time...
I guess it was coming. I have been irritable and thin skinned and angry and defensive far too long.
The day before yesterday I called my 85 year old father as I hadn't spoken to him in awhile. He has just looked after my mom's dog whilst she had been away (they are separated). He was talking about how "stupid" the dog was..how it had messed (defecated) in his apartment 3 times...
He told me how he struck the dog (a very sensitive, anxious dog) and the anger in me was like Vesuvius... I guess it became way more than "about the dog". My father is an angry, impatient man...everything is everybody else's fault and he likes to punish you for your..stupidity, clutziness, deficiencies....
I am his daughter.. I am an angry, impatient, critical, judgemental addict too.
That's the back story...it's not the reason...was just the last straw I guess...
Yesterday was a new start of my continuous sobriety.
I don't really care about freaking days lost...or sobriety dates or anything.
I messed up...and I know it.
I don't mean to minimize anything..I only know, for me, is that I just return to living sober....
But I'm not sure I want AA in my sobriety anymore...but nothing is written in stone. I' not sure of anything other than my need to be honest here.
I have an emergency appointment with counsellor tomorrow. I am currently on a "waitlist" but had number for a "just in case" which I just used. I didn't send out a shout out here...or make any calls to anyone..
Because well..I'd been thinking bout it a long time I think. I didn't want anyone or anything to stop me. I had entered self pity and helplessness and thinking my only way out of recovery obsession..was drinking....a long time ago.
Objectively I knew that was ridiculous...but not emotionally...