understand pete...and know that you have support here.
each parent has to find the ways to cope that work for them...it is hard work...
i am glad that you are here and posting and dealing...that takes a lot of courage.
One of the things I learned after my own son passed is that parents are permanently changed (in many cases) after the death of a child...and also that the surviving children (at least at the ages our children were) -- look to how the parents cope in dealing with their own loss...
So, 24 years ago...I set my mind on providing the best example of a mother and in my case, wife, and have been working on me ever since. Having 2 children who went through addiction and now a third...I have had ample opportunity to work on myself...it hasn't been easy and it is no longer about my grief about Paul Daniel...because as people say...time helps.
However, the realizing that I might lose another child...3 separate times...and living with the current one...I have found that, for me...I NEED to believe in a power greater than myself (my name for God)--because without it...I would not have had the strength to do any of what I've done...
I am sending you blessings and care...and know that everything you write makes perfect sense...and works...and so I am just trying to give you a bit of support as you have suffered a severe loss (it is said that losing a child is the worst loss). You are doing a wonderful job at being a Dad and a provider and your recovery work shines.