Here's a letter to the Grapevine (AA's 'meeting in print' magazine) that a friend of mine wrote a few years back. Food for thought. Safety in the rooms has been a very hot discussion topic at larger regional forums in the past few years. It's an issue that AA needs to address, and the first step is awareness and starting the discussion.
How safe is your AA meeting? Have you ever personally not felt safe? Have you ever had someone give you a hug and walked away with an uncomfortable feeling? I ask these questions because I view with concern the sexual predation that I’ve seen in AA meetings. I have seen it happen in all gender relationships, but my personal experience is as a woman being preyed upon by men.
I know many of you are thinking, ·Well, that’s an outside issue," but I disagree. How can it be an outside issue if it affects my safety in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous? Recent history reveals many organizations that have been held in high regard and beyond reproach for many years have recently been scrutinized for turning a blind eye to the behavior of their staff or volunteers toward their vulnerable members. These organizations seemed to have had knowledge of the behaviors and stuck their proverbial ”heads in the sand." The victims, along with the media and the courts, have forced these organizations to take a long, hard look at what they had knowledge of and what they did or did not do to try and stop it from occurring.
Now, there are no AA ”police," but the membership does take responsibility for its common welfare and carrying the message to those who still suffer. I have heard it said over and over again that the newcomer is the most important person in the room.
Do our actions show it? I came into the rooms 22 years ago with all the humiliation and degradation that happens to a practicing alcoholic woman. I needed to feel safe from the life I was leaving behind. Imagine my surprise when what I found was much of the same barroom behavior I had just left. I was groped, received obscene phone calls, stalked, and was nearly date-raped by a member of the Fellowship. Thank God for a strong female sponsor who taught me to not tolerate that behavior and to put afirm stop to it. She shared openly with me the facts about those who could not be trusted in the meetings I attended. There were many times I did not feel safe walking into the meeting, except that I knew she would be there and I would not be alone.
What about all of the new women who wander in, do not immediately find a sponsor, and leave in fear? I am deeply saddened when I think about all the female AAs I know personally who have been sexually assaulted by other members. They unfortunately found out the hard way that not all members of AA are trying to live our spiritual way of life. These women remained; how many left?
Calling this behavior "thirteenth stepping" makes it seem benign. This euphemistic terminology makes it sound like a part of the Twelve Steps, when in fact, that couldn’t be further from the truth. How can being that self-centered and selfish have anything
to do with working the Twelve Steps?
Many may think it a bit harsh to call this behavior "sexual predation." The term "sexual predator" often means a person who habitually seeks out sexual situations. Predation usually refers to one group or person hunting and killing another, or stealing from and destroying another. Is seeking out vulnerable newcomers for sexual gratification not a predatory behavior? Is not taking away a person’s chance to feel safe the same as stealing her chance to stay sober? Does this mean there is not a chair at the table of Alcoholics Anonymous for the sexual predator? Absolutely not; all who wish to recover are welcome. But this does not include taking away someone else’s opportunity to stay sober.
Much of this discussion has been changing over the last decade. AA is seeing younger members enter its rooms, and turning a blind eye to what is happening to a minor is very different in the eyes of the law. Like it or not, an individual with knowledge of the behavior could be held criminally liable.
We owe it to our members to make sure the meeting rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous are safe for everyone who enter. That means talking about this topic in our group conscience and with each other. It means leaving barroom behavior behind and treating the newcomers like they truly are the most important people in the room.
M.P., Meridian, Idaho
AA Grapevine, August 2009