Letter to my future self.
I took some advise that somebody gave me on my last thread.
I wrote a letter about how terrible I feel and I hope that next time I have an obsession to drink or drug, I will read this letter before I pick up.
I thought I'd post it here so I have a concrete spot to save it, with my other recovery stuff.
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Dear Mrrr,
I’m writing you from day 4 post relapse. Begging you not to pick up that first drink again.
I don’t know how far you’ve come right now. Whether it’s been days, a week, months, who knows. But if you’re reading this, it’s likely that your brain is telling you a lie right now. And deep down you already know this. That's why you came here, to read this letter.
What is it saying? That “it will be different this time?”…. maybe something like… “I’m not going to be successful at recovery anyways – who am I kidding. How many failures already?” or maybe…. “I just really don’t want to miss out on this particular event.” Or “I can’t enjoy life without drinking”.
We've heard all of these lines before, many times. They are lies. Lies told by the illness which possesses you mind, body and soul. Please don't believe them.
Today, on December 2nd of 2014, I am making a commitment to us, my current self and my future self, to never pick up a drink again. Since I can’t seem to find any self-love in my current form, I like to think of this as a commitment to my younger self, more specifically. The young girl filled with innocence, love and compassion that once existed. The one that played the piano, and cared about her family, and didn’t like to see people or animals getting hurt. The girl that I ultimately abandoned when I started using and drinking at the age of 13. I’m making this commitment to her.
Alcohol and drugs have been destroying our life and the lives of the people who care about us for too long now. It’s been 15 years of a downward spiral – you’re 28 now. It’s time to stop. No matter how bad life gets: If your entire family passes away. If a pet dies. If you’re fired from your job. If your relationship ends. NO MATTER WHAT. Hold on for dear life. Because this disease is going to kill you. And that little girl deserves better.
How we feel… day 4 post relapse… as I sit here typing this. (And remember - this is only day 4.... the last 3 have been pure.... well you know.) Right now:
I feel like everyone knows. Everyone is watching me and they can all see that I am in trouble. They can all see that I need help and they stare at me.
I feel so alone. Like there is nobody in this world who even knows me.
My hands quiver and shake as I type, I feel weak.
I’m terrified to be around people. I’m terrified to go outside.
My skin is breaking out everywhere… I didn’t shower for 3 days and I feel dirty and disgusting.
I haven’t exercised in almost a week and I feel like I’m gaining weight and my health is suffering.
I'm hacking and I smell stale cigarettes.
Completely overwhelmed at work and I feel like I’m going to get fired.
So depressed. I didn’t get out of bed for 3 days. Lying there in the dark staring at the ceiling thinking about how desperately I want my life to change.
My eyes are itchy, dry and tired. I can’t concentrate on anything. I feel like I could collapse from exhaustion at any moment.
I can’t sleep. It’s been 3 days since I slept. My body is withdrawing from the alcohol.
My mind is racing and talking in all different directions but saying nothing. I feel like I’m losing my grasp on reality. Going crazy.
I feel like a terrible, immoral human being. A waste of a life.
There are many more awful things I could list, but I believe this makes my point. You don’t want to feel like this. And if you pick up that drink? You will. And Mrrr that’s why you are making this commitment to yourself today. The commitment to never pick up that first drink or drug, ever again.
Reach out, call someone, get to a meeting. You can do this. Do anything - but do not pick up that drink Mrrr. I need you to stay strong right now.
Please future Mrrr.
Love, yourself.... day 4 post-relapse Mrrr.