irisgardens

desypete...thank you for sharing...it takes a lot of courage to be able to share your pain so very bluntly and directly...I know for myself...it took me 8 years of trying to just carry on and get past my son's passing before I fell apart and was able to start dealing with my own life...I was so tangled up in trying to make sure that my family didn't go down for the count in any of the ways that are consequences of child death in some families...and worked myself into burnout...then started work. It has been non-stop crisis ever since...and I have tried to continue working on my own self as best as possible...so it is good to know that you have alanon...have found that my alanon program works for all kinds of personal change...not just alcoholism and have used all of the program techniques I could to keep on going. With 3rd addict and adult children all moving on now...(I now realize that in our anxiety to keep family going and with latin american culture of husband)--we too created an enmeshed family...and with my 3rd addict and absolutely being cut off by adult children in my own family as my codependency again reared it's ugly head...it shows in my face...my voice...the stress that winds my body up as tight as a overscrewed bolt--it is terrible...and they can't/won't handle it so cut me off and I went back into therapy to start re-setting boundaries...told by therapist that they are selfish and self absorbed and I am again in emotional burnout...and needing medical care...and we are really at a low point...but different problems...same theme...i am living in the present which is not very hopeful...and have come to realize that the rest of my family are all living in different places...and that although I hear what they say; I listen (some of the work I did in therapy based on feedback provided years ago when family first started to have problems)--they don't remember what they have said to me in emotion and so I am working to deepen my ability to not react to their emoting or emotional judgments of me...and today I know that somehow/somewhere I got turned into the target for the ills of my immediate family--so am shutting up and not talking anymore.

In any case...the 2nd daughter got clean and sober for crystal meth when she got pregnant and didn't drink...while pregnant and now the girls are 9 and doing well with her mothering. Her resentment and anger and toxic blame for me haven't changed...and I have had to set a boundary about seeing her or the girls unless she treats me with a little more respect...it has been very hard...because she truly believes that she turned herself around (which from a substance abuse pt of view is true)--but the fact that she totally blames me for all the interventions is heartbreaking and her older sister enables...and I can see they are not awake...and I no longer try to wake them up (fairly recently)--because they all get mad and band together to judge me (in all the ways they can--and I have grown weak again.

So...I started seeing therapists again...and in codependency therapy for the last few months and giving all my efforts to continue...told that it is not uncommon for the stronger parent to get turned on by kids (not 100% either--but not uncommon) as they don't deal with their same issues...and as of yesterday was able to admit that I need help and to really ask for it...it has always been hard for me to ask for help...but I have done the above...because I knew I wasn't strong enough...only God (my HP) was strong enough...but right now just clinging to prayer, reading...trying to meditate...and trying to stay present...and I guess my lengthy posts on here are what might be journaling...but it is hard to write to myself. Lots of feelings...I have hit another bottom--have been unraveling since I lost the job.

So, long story short...my 2 previous addicts only got better when they left home...and I did suffer through each period...but had younger children (& grandchildren too) to keep me distracted. With this one...MIA for 5 months...she left in great anger and fury with me (& went with her sisters although I wasn't informed until after that didn't work out...I was trying to hold on to job...was desperately trying to hold my boundaries and not go looking for her...doing some service in a parents of addicts group and work with a therapist....but so emotionally stressed and down that I just kept getting more and more tightly wound...and more needing some approval and then I showed some anger...and was fired...

I know that I was unable to let go of my previous two addicts until they kind of turned around...can't really explain it...although first was out of the house...she started to act better (she had run away at 18--before her senior year in high school and that was when the world came crashing down for me)--she was about 24 or 25 which someone had told me was the age of reason...and then went on to nursing school...had a baby and is dealing with her life.

2nd left 4 days before her 18th birthday after her father (in south america...there is NO drug addict in a decent family--only secrets--they probably don't even have AA there...or it isn't very well developed) and I finally, after 5 years of working together in family/marital therapy...and in our rehab group...were informed that her pee test was dirty (first time to find in 4 years of trying) and we went to the police department and turned her in for grand felony theft which we also discovered after the fact...but had made an agreement to forgive if she would stop using...in the 3 weeks between her last rehab and her 18th birthday (& in our prayers to catch her before age 18 for more lenient minor laws)--and then she moved out and after a year...moved back in...she has always been enmeshed with Dad (from little--she was at a very vulnerable age (4) when our son passed...and I went out of our way to make sure that all the potential long-term consequences of child death were handled over the course of the years...although will admit didn't really understand all the psychologists that I had her see...because I, myself, was in such denial from childhood.

Then I started to help us plan to go to Chile (& had just enough money left to make sure she graduated)--she turned around except for alcohol...and we enjoyed the girls...for the 6 years they lived with us...and we had a plan...and then we went to Chile and everything fell apart...and it is too hard to talk about...but since then...I feel like I have been 'rising to the energy required' to go on, get out...to figure out how to restart our lives...to do the right thing...there has been a lot of awareness that I didn't have before and as a person who has always framed things according to family needs...as a mother with grown children (unfortunately having to finally accept that my 22 year old active heroin addict is an adult--something I didn't do with 2nd child...and now I wonder if it was the wrong thing...and if I, in wanting to do the write thing by all my family...set the environment for the third daughter to use...and I cling to the 3 C's right now...because that thought pattern is not a good one...it is like the one with my mother...even when I didn't know as much about codependency as I know now...I knew that with my mother...from young...there was no 'winning for losing' ever...and I made that up...and have processed much over time as I started (with my son's death) to work to survive and thrive over the rest of my life...doing the things I can...and to make my contribution towards making it...more than my share, if possible.

So...in the course of 19 years...or 24...I am back down again. I truly believe that letting my daughter go was the last chance I could give her...but I don't know...nobody does...I do know that we tried 5 more times last year as different parts of a family to get her into rehab...and all 5 times failed...we used the tough love and alanon techniques we learned with the others...we tried and tried...and now I have gone down for the energy count...I literally do not know how to think, I have no more good 'ideas' and I have no more energy.

The doctor yesterday told me it is good that I have stopped sugarcoating (told her that...only the 2nd time I have said that to anyone so it is new...maybe positive) because when I sugarcoat...she said people will believe me...and I have a natural smile with all...and I truly care about others...probably more than about myself...but I always try to encourage and be there for others...and now I need to ask for help for me...and so I have posted a novel...I am standing firm on my daughter's no contact...because I have finally awakened to how people react to me when I am in codependency mode and trying to 'do something' to support my loved one...and there have been so many...I am a hot mess...and yet I am working this program and I will continue to do so. The posting gives me one outlet...I am not able to talk to family and with the trip to Chile...and my daughters' relapse and the family chaos of everyone trying to help her and then giving up (I'm ok with that now...wasn't at first)--and some financial/roof over my head things that didn't work out as I believed they would...and my fear of going homeless now...I am just trying to be present...to the pain...and I am praying...and reading on this site...and I know from the other posts here I am a wreck...but I need to post...I do know that processing emotions is not easy for me...I have always been perceived as 'strong' and a 'problem solver' but those things do not apply to me...and I hate to hear them. I simply believe that there is a God who is more powerful than me...and that when I can't...there is a God that can...and this I believed before I every had my first energy drain after dad died...

I know that I must get up and do what I need for me...don't know what that might be but trying to work on thinking through that when I need to do something and that is helping me to deal with the decision to use my resources to pay health care premiums to get the help I need...and to try to take one minute at a time...and to take a break from some of the websites when I get too emotionally triggered (which I do...it is so painful to read so much on the websites) and to post when I need to...and to feel grateful that my two oldest daughters are on their own and self sufficient in the ways that they need to be for their ages...and not to feel sorry for the consequences of their own poor choices...both single moms...who tried to partner with their addict or non financially performing (emotionally unavailable) fathers...and who are working through those things...each in their own way. I am working to let go of realizing that my 2nd daughter may not forgive me for a long long time as she chose not to deal with her own issues through doing her own recovery...but will blame me...and that my oldest daughter loves me...but all are more focused on getting us to watch their children when they are working or (in 2nds case) has a date--and when things go wrong...I have become the poster child because I am crying and down for the count.

I will start a new program on Wednesday with more support from the therapeutic community. I need help. The therapist yesterday (it was a God moment as the one I usually see who is very head oriented (like me)--and so I speak from my head and intellectualize and sugarcoat and downplay what is going on for me...because I am just not that aware in the moment of getting help) had called in sick, my husband drove me...he is good with the grounded practical support things like that and when the man at the desk asked if I needed to see someone else...I was saying...no...I can wait...but my husband said yes...so I said yes...and with the new therapist....I was able to reach down and tell her I was a complete mess and that I need help and that I am unraveling with the loss of this last job the last straw that broke the camel's back on a lifelong pattern of behavior for me with regard to others and myself. When I was done...she referred me to another program...and told me I had to tell my pdoc the same thing...it is hard to tell him as he is very intellectual as well and I find myself pleasing him with my intellectual strength and innovative thoughts...but none of that is helping me deal here.

I do want you all to know that I don't blame any of the people I have talked about above...when I lost my son...I was taught and have continued to practice the process of forgiveness and I have (as far as I know and can tell over many years) gotten to the point of forgiving them before releasing in love...for some reason that is the way the process works for me. Grieving and forgiveness are both almost the same processes and I have had a lot of practice at both.

I have also grown in coming awake to how easily manipulable I can be over the years...and started to break with people who manipulated me in certain ways...came awake through friends rather than family...but I also realized within the past 2 years that I am manipulable period...and need to strengthen that boundary.

Thank you all for being here...there are no answers...not for me today...but I am praying it all over to the Lord every day and every minute. Writing it down has always helped it get out of my head...but if I broke any rules of the forum please let me know and I will try to find another place to be able to express the feelings and emotions.

This site...even though at times really hard to read because of all the realities and then real truths (for instance...I love anvil, zoso...because my rational side totally relates...I have read so much over the past 13 years...tried to process...become more awake and open...) but at the end of the day...I am still here where I am...the relapse was real and is real...and guilting myself because I can't be rational and do it quicker isn't going to help me...in fact sometimes I get called on being so enthusiastic I am overdoing...so I seem to swing from side to side...which is immensely irritating and awful for me...as I grew up believing that I could do it all...and that I needed to do it all as my parents were often not there (they were very busy and often out of the home and I was left in charge or left with grandparents who were old, feeble and sick...and I was expected to call 911 if something went wrong...that is where my faith came from...I knew I wouldn't wake if grandma had an emphysema attack...so prayed her into God's hands...).

I know that the person who has to change is me...but right now...am just living as I can...just for today.