oh i feel your pain, we all do. when our children are hurting we hurt , there is no escape. we can try to help ourselves by reaching out for help from others. i have gained so much from families anonymous and this site but the truth is there is no way of replacing a part of our soul that has been taken so harshly. I don't think the pain ever leaves us, but staying in just the moment and not thinking about the what ifs makes it more tolerable. when the addict lives with you as mine does the chaos is constant and it is hard to separate. you have to keep reminding yourself that you offered and given everything possible. we cannot love them into doing the right thing. some addicts do not have bottoms and that"s something i am coming to realize. so many feelings flood us at times, anger , guilt, resentment, severe depression and many here have found ultimately acceptance- prayers for you, go to any meeting you can so you can be face to face with others who can pull you through when you are in the deepest of despair. I struggle everyday to hang on too.