Am I hanging on too hard or just being hopeful?
Rough night with separate AH. I let him stay this week at our house while the kids and I were away. Also last weekend as well when we were away. This way he could take care of pets, snow removal, mail, etc. Didn't figure there was any harm since he still pays the bills for the house. I let him have the choice of staying. I had other people lined up to take care of things if he didn't stay here.
Today he was supposed to be at the house when we got back. haven't seen the kids in a week and they were very excited to see him. Got a text when we were almost home saying he was heading back to where he is staying. Not that big of a surprise since I knew that seeing us and later leaving would be hard on him. It has been a trigger for his drinking in the past.
He called later. Said he went to a meeting b/c he needed to. I told him "good." I felt he was putting his program/sobriety first. Then he went on about how hard it was not being home with us, that I was never going to trust him, only stay with him so he pays the bills, only lets him see the kids 1x a week (not true at all) etc. He doesn't see why I won't let him come home. Says that he would not hurt the kids.
I told him that before I would consider him coming back to live with us that he needs to work on and maintain his sobriety and that I need to be able to trust him. (we started marriage counseling last wk as well.) he says his fellow AA members tell him that I will never be able to trust him again. I think I could. It has been broken before, yrs ago, and it took a good yr for me to trust him again. So hopeful I could trust him again.
He just went on and on with the Woe is me attitude and crying. Finally I could see that nothing I was saying was getting through to him and I had to get the kids to bed. I asked him what he has been taught in therapy and rehab when feeling this way. His response was that he needs to call someone and I asked him to do so. I ended the conversation saying I love u. I hated hanging up b/c he is alone where he is staying. He called back a little later to say that he had seen a spider in the bed last night and that he tried to call people but got no answers.
So here's the thing-after all these months I am still hopeful that he will get sober/find recovery/work his program, me work mine, get couple's counseling and that we will be able to live together as a family with the kids. Is being hopeful causing me to hang on to him too hard and not being willing to let him go completely (ie divorce.) Would getting a divorce be cutting that final thread to let him fall to the bottom? I know there is no way of knowing what his rock bottom is so a divorce may not be his rock bottom. I also know that what ever decision I make, I have to be ready to live with the outcome. Just not ready to get off the merry go round I guess.