Hi am658, so glad you posted.
Do not beat yourself up. As PK said, we are addicts. And our "inner addict" loves nothing so much as us getting down on ourselves or making ourselves feel like crap. Perfect excuse to drink, right?
Don't fall for it. When I read your post I thought of all the times I got a week or two weeks or something like that under my belt and then felt (subconsciously sometimes) that after THAT valiant effort, I certainly deserved a drink. Makes no sense whatsoever but, again, our minds don't work in rational ways.
I think support and accountability are key. When I finally decided to come clean with people in my life who loved me and knew (without too much judging) that I had a serious problem and needed help, they supported me completely. A lot of that support was being accountable. They checked in A LOT and I chose them specifically because they knew drunk me and sober me well enough to know if I was BSing them.
I also logged onto SR and came here every single night for the first six months of my sobriety. Every single night. It didn't matter if I posted or not, just reading and being here helped me immensely. I came here at least a half dozen times to "tell on myself" when I began entertaining thoughts of drinking in the first year. Worked every time
Later, I found AA and went to therapy to work out some of the underlying issues that were compelling me to drink myself numb. The four-punch of supportive friends/SR/AA/therapy finally did the trick. Or it has for the last 22 months, at least.
You need to find what works for you. And be willing to go to the ends of the earth to figure it out because, seriously, this disease WILL kill you. Going it alone rarely works for anyone and, with resources like SR, the good thing is you never need to!
Good on you for getting right back on here, too. You can totally do this, keep posting!