(((((((((((Wolverine)))))))))))))) Welcome to SR!!! We are glad you are here. Please do not be afraid to go to a meeting, even if you have to go under the influence. The people you will meet there have been exactly where you are right now. They will want to help. They all go to the meetings because they are trying to learn to live without the aid of mood-altering substances. If it is at all possible, I would also consider going back to treatment. Maybe now you are really ready to listen and learn. I went to treatment a little over a year ago for alcoholism and marijuana addiction (I also dabbled in pills, hallucinagens, coke, whatever I could get my hands on), and it quite literally saved my life.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Hang in there!
Hugs--