another chaotic holiday
i have posted here before but it has been some time. my son who i had mentioned in earlier posts was arrested many times, stabbed and been in and out of jail 13 times in 6 years. yes, i know what a fool i am for bailing him out over and over again. well this last stint i left him in jail for 5 months with 4 felonies pending. his lawyer said to bail him out because the last felony would look better to the court if he fought it from the outside. after attending FA and naranon i had all the tools to hopefully stand my ground. but no, i listened to the lawyer. he agreed to a long term treatment plan with me if i bailed him out. i put up 10,000 and brought him home. within 2 hours he was looking for drugs. he drove his car with no plates and no license. he did a phone intake for the rehab and it is a 2 week bed wait. i am struggling to hang on to my sanity . i could kick myself for being manipulated yet again. on the positive side, if there is one through this site i have learned so much that even despite my mistake this go around, the ownership is on him. i see i cannot make him go to meetings or do the right thing, the ball is in his court. instead of falling apart worrying about his outcome i can know in my heart i did what a loving mother would do and offered him the help. he had the option and what he does with it is up to him. i thank you all for all your strength and wisdom through all of your challenges and realize that i can not take ownership for him. he is 24 and i must let go of my hopes for him. if he has none for himself . some addicts don't have a bottom, he is one of them. good family, loving parents and he cannot grab onto any positive options. though he has not learned, i have learned i cannot control another person and all the love i have will not "fix" him. i am just so sad that my younger son who is home from college for the holiday had to witness the chaos again. another holiday ruined by his older brother, no peace in my house , it is a war zone. i realize i have so far to go on my own behavior and the only person that will change in this scenario is me.