As the holidays approach, I find myself feeling angry and sad about my family situation. It looks like I will spend the holidays alone this year, as I did last year. My parents both passed away pretty young from health consequences of their alcoholism. My father had pancreatic cancer, and my mother had a stroke. My two siblings are not options, either. My brother is in an unhappy marriage with an abusive woman, and I have not been welcome to visit them (as I used to sometimes do at Xmas) since last year, when I called CPS on his wife after he told me that she tried to choke my niece during a fight. My sister is a "recovering" opiate addict, though who knows what really goes on with her. I have actually been in touch with her lately and was somewhat convinced that she was maintaining sobriety (we live far apart), but when I asked if she would like me to visit at Xmas, she said it was a "bad time" for her. Who knows if she is using or what. Maybe she is back together with her child's father, who she met in NA, which he was attending after spending five years in prison for meth. I don't have close friends who might invite me in town, either. I have not been great about keeping up a social life since moving to my current town five years ago for a job. I had a friend in town who I met back in grad school who used to invite me for holidays, but she moved away a few months ago, and otherwise I've let personal crises distract me and not created much of a social circle. Besides the stress with my brother and sister, I have dealt since moving here with the death of my Mom, and after that making sure that her uncle, who lived in another state, got the care he needed, organizing nursing home care, etc. And I guess I let all that be a reason not to get out more. To add to my stress, I am currently trying to get pregnant as a single mother with the help of my doctor and a donor. I turned 40 recently and decided it was time to stop waiting for Mr. Right. I had a miscarriage last summer and have been stressed about whether motherhood will happen for me.
Anyway, I don't mean this post to be a catalogue of my problems. Holidays were gloomy in my house as a kid with two alcoholic parents, but it doesn't have to be that way now. I want to think about how I can maintain my gratitude during the holiday season instead of feeling jealous of the world. I have a great job that allows me to do work that I truly enjoy. I have some awesome furry friends, including a very handsome cat and a favorite horse who is always happy to see me, though maybe it's the apples I bring him.
I have my health. I am comfortable financially. I have use of all of my limbs. I have managed to survive some tough times and have every reason to believe that there are better days ahead. So Thursday, I am going to do some baking and watch some movies, read a favorite book, make myself a steak with horseradish cream sauce, and give thanks!
