Hi Undies,
I'm nine months sober today. My life is different than it was nine months ago, in ways I never planned, and never would have imagined, from turning my will over to gratitude, peace, joy, and freedom.
My husband didn't stop drinking when I did. His compass is still firmly pointed to getting the next drink. This weekend, in celebration of my birthday, I asked him not to drink. I guess he thought that being grumpy, non-communicative, self-centered - and sober - when we went out Friday night fulfilled my request, because yesterday I could tell he was drunk FROM HIS TEXTS in the afternoon.
With his compass pointed solidly towards where the next drink is coming from, last night he made up for "lost time," because the night before he "lost out" on drinking. Instead of drinking he "had to" eat a nice dinner, then "was stuck" window shopping and walking around all night alongside his lovely wife, "forced" to do what she wanted (window shopping) instead of what he wanted (to saddle up to a bar, drink, watch a hockey game, and get driven home by someone else). Then she had the audacity of falling asleep on the final leg of the car ride home (one of his biggest pet peeves) after a long week at her new job.
I enjoy having friends over. I love hanging out with people, and I really like the couple who we hung out with - at least when they're sober - but I know that the other guy drinks like hubby, alcoholically. When my hubby and that hubby showed up with a 30 pack to share, it was a sign of where their compasses were pointed - not to shared laughs, or camaraderie, or joy, but to the next drink. The conversation, laughs, and stories among the four of us degenerated over the course of the night into slurred words, red eyes, and lumbering to the fridge to get the next drink.
It's interesting that my husband thinks that his drinking is akin to me eating ice cream (it's not healthy), or me going out with my friends (because I'm "not there" with him). But during those acts I don't alter my consciousness, change my reality, say stuff that's out of character, or become unaware of my surroundings alongside other people who are unaware of their surroundings. And when I go out, I come home afterwards, capable and willing of engaging with him and the people around me.
He can't access the joyful, thoughtful, or playful parts of himself when he's sober. And I don't want to access any parts of him when he's drinking because he doesn't follow through after the buzz wears off.
Today, at nine months sober, I'm free from the obsession with alcohol, and every day I'm more and more free of the codependent behaviors that I mistakenly thought were synonymous with compromise in relationships. My life may sound like it's crumbling, but I swear it's not! I didn't enjoy myself last night, but I let it go. I woke up grateful for my children, for the day ahead of me, for my freedom from the obsession to drink, for the direction my compass is pointed to these days. I'm grateful for SR and AA and all of the people in both programs for making space for me to find my way.
Have a great day, Undies!!