This is the first chance I've had to collect my thoughts in a few days - whew! A breakneck pace had always been my preference, but I'm finding that although I can keep up, when I don't have a chance to relax or process through my thoughts, my quality of life declines. I'm a little more anxious, a little less grateful, a little more cranky. I may be coming into maturity a little bit later than others, but it's neat to have these aha moments.
My birthday was a nice day. I received calls, texts, and visits from friends, family, and coworkers - that I actually remembered the next day. I had dinner with my family Thursday night at a very nice restaurant with a very nice wine list. Now, by the end of my drinking, I had settled for less expensive bottles, but a fine red was my preference. It crossed my mind that I could have one drink, or one half a drink. My husband wouldn't have stopped me, nor would have my father or stepmother. In fact many of our nicest evenings together were spent appreciating good red wine. It was a really fleeting thought, though, not one that had any feet. The bottom line is I know now that I drank to alter my consciousness, and if I did that night, it would have reset that downward spiral that I was on nine months ago back into motion. I would have spent my night wondering where my next drink was coming from. Instead, I enjoyed a fabulous dinner, with attention and presence to the people who shared it with me.
Friday I had the chance to compare my life as it is now to what it used to be. At dinner, there was a large group of women. They were dressed up for a big night out, and all looked really nice. Then one of them vomited all over the floor, knocked down a chair, and stumbled to the bathroom - and they ended up getting kicked out of the restaurant. It was nice for that NOT to be me making a mess, doing something embarrassing, and ruining the night. That was the kind of stuff that made my husband irate with me. Although while I was actively drinking, I thought that I was having a really good time and making something memorable happen..... I don't cause scenes anymore. I still have fun, though - and I remember the memorable things, even though my cognitive function is supposedly in decline now that I'm 40.
My vision, my self directed will, of success at 40 was that I'd fit into the same size clothes as I did at 20. I DONT fit into the same size as when I was 20, and am more doughy than milfy. Although I didn't achieve that goal (yet), I'm more of a success than I imagined because I am happy and peaceful in my imperfections.
I'm optimistic that I can handle what comes my way because I'm a nondrinker, yet I take life one day at a time - and sometimes one hour or one minute at a time. The two approaches compliment one another. I appreciate the support in AA, which is why I volunteered to make coffee at my home group, but I broke up with my AA sponsor for not respecting the rational components to my recovery, or the legitimacy of the support we share with each other on SR.
I hope everyone has a great weekend.