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Hello. I am not a stranger to this forum. I have yet again decided to try and stop the madness caused by my drinking. I am not sure how long it will last, but at least I am trying again.
I woke up this morning and was shaking a bit and dry heaving, horrible diarrhea, etc. Ive been drinking on an empty stomach for a few days now straight, from when I get up to when I fall down. I finally got my doctor to perscribe me a benzodiazepine in which I am also addicted to, however it helps me to get sobered up. I will have to stop taking it soon. I have been taking it for 6 years now and my mind will go into complete chaos, panic, and shutdown when I run out of them abruptly, which leads me back to drinking again, full circle. It literally is a living hell. However, I do not wish to give up. This has to be the 50th time ive told myself that I am done with the drink with some sincerity, but it never seems to last. I am living with my parents now and have been for a year and a half, and I am in my mid 30s now and I relized today how old and frail they are becoming. It sickens me to look at myself in the mirror as pathetic I have become. I am married to a good woman who is living with us also, but I wonder for how much longer. I cant hold down a job anymore, in debt up to the ceiling, have no car now and wont have a license and possibly my freedom for much longer either. One fine mess I have created here. However, I just cannot give up fighting to attempt to live a genuine life that has a purpose and not be such a burden to all of the ones around me. Anyhow, this is day 1, again - 11/22/14