The rollercoaster made a turn for the worse...just that fast. When I went out to dinner with my A I asked him about getting Iphones for our two youngest daughters. He agreed and said "well, we were going to eventually anyway". So I ordered them the next day. I picked them up at the store. They were SOOOO happy. I was "supposed" to wait until Christmas, but I can never keep a secret, so I gave them to the girls. They loved it.
He asked me for sex this morning before work and I told him no, because he would be late for his morning AA meeting. I said it in a kind loving way, but I meant what I said. He was ok with it, until the urge to drink today set in. My conversation went like this:
Texting
Me: I thought that I did talk with you about the phones when we were at Shari's for dinner. I was under the impression that you thought it was a good idea too. I'm sorry if I misunderstood. I'm not sure if that is what is upsetting you or not.
My A: it's the electronics, it's your ex, it's you showing off your breasts with the shirts you wear, showing your breasts off to my brother, flirting with other men, talking about other men, not respecting me as your husband. But I've realized with you that it doesn't matter because it's your way or the highway.
Me: ok. I understand.
MAN I wanted so bad to just SPEW at the mouth on how everything he was saying was so controlling and so abusive and sooo wrong. I didn't though. I just kept my mouth shut and he didn't respond. It COULD have turned into a HUGE fight, but I didn't engage which is HUGE for me. I'm very proud, but also just exhausted with the rollercoaster...I posted this morning on how he was being super nice and all....and now this....
He's abusive and destructive and I'm just losing hope......I'm going to have to drop out of school and go back to work because I just don't think I can keep it up. I wanted to make it through the holidays because of HIS kids, but I just don't think I can. I'm discouraged and sick of being the reason he drinks, the reason for his misery, the reason for everything. I am the problem. He told me as much the other day. I am so sick of him.
