Hi Undies,
Spending Saturday rooting through old stuff at my old house with my ex where we spent 17 of our 25 years together raising our girls was quite a challenge. I had a few emotional moments while there, even walking upstairs for a hug at one point. I came home, everything fine yesterday as I worked on sorting and finding the proper place for things.
Then last night I pulled out a stack that included pics from our wedding and about 50 cards from ex, my girls, and, while I do not know exactly how he did it, my baby boy Rufis (a dog). B-day, V-day, my old soberversary, and the killer was Anniversary cards from 22, 23 and the last, our 25th.
That card that was just a few months prior to my leaving to drink to my hearts content. Ex told me of the joy and fun life had been together, how she would do it all over again, and how she looked forward to growing old together the next 25 years.
To say the least, that was difficult to read. That card and its incredible message sat in a box, in a garage, as I pounded away drink after drink, collected dui after dui, added one relapse to another...etc.
I gave away so much to my drinking...perhaps nothing more precious than the message in that card?
Well, okay, the cat is out of the bag. What to do? I could drink over it? Then again, we all know where that takes us. How about I try to learn from it?
I'm taught not to regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I guess I could beat myself up about it? What good does that do? I know, I plan to use this card as the catalyst for finally learning to forgive myself, and maybe, just maybe, accept what happened and let it go.
I thought I had...but, maybe I hadn't. Maybe the Universe offered this now, not earlier, because I wasn't ready yet? I do believe that if I remain vigilant in my recovery that I will not be given more than I can handle.
Thank goodness for my toolbox and my new ability to slow things down. How often have I acted on my initial impulse in the past, not allowing time and distance to reflect and gain perspective.
Sure, I can't help but be a little sad...but, imagine the power in finally being able to say..."Dude, Carlos, I forgive you. How can I possibly expect others to forgive me until I'm willing forgive myself?
Carlos
ps - i read a piece on 40 ways to live without regret. while an interesting read...not quite what i was looking for today, as it assumes present tense...but, powerful none the less.
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-t...thout-regrets/